Let me start by disclosing that I’m probably the whitest Peruvian you’ll ever meet. Hola, me llamo Gringa. I don’t speak Spanish fluently, I didn’t grow up around most of my Hispanic family members and to be fair, I’m half Caucasian. You know how in Desperate Housewives Juanita Solis doesn’t realize she’s Mexican until Carlos & Gabby literally tell her that she is? That’s sort of how I felt growing up. At first.

However, my childhood was much more Jane The Virgin.

After my parents split up, my mom took her fiery Latina side to the next level. Up went the traditional decorations, out came the alpaca knits and my primarily “white” upbringing was forever set to a cowbell-infused cumbia rhythm.

This topic is perfect for the month of July because Peruvian Independence Day falls on the 28th—the same day as my mother’s birthday. ¡Feliz cumpleaños, Mamá! So, here are a few hilariously true stereotypes about my half Hispanic upbringing. Soledad Elena, this one is for you.

9 Stereotypes About Growing Up (Half) Peruvian

1. I understand more Spanish than I speak

Since my Canadian family doesn’t speak Spanish, I spent the majority of my early years speaking English. To be honest, I learned most of my Spanish by eavesdropping on my mom when she was gossiping to her friends or sister on the phone. What? I needed to know if she was talking about me! I do wish I spoke Spanish better, but my understanding is great. As I usually tell people, Si hablo Español pero entiendo mucho mas. One of my goals is to take Spanish classes.

2. Telenovelas helped form my imagination

I swear, my sister and I had the most scandalous Barbie games of all time. We’d base them off the extremely dramatic and highly addictive soaps that my mom would watch. (Las Juanas and Amigas Y Rivales were childhood favourites of mine.) Our Barbies had maids, they had affairs, they destroyed marriages, and they were constantly plotting and planning with each other to take down La Reina. It was outrageous.

3. I hit the party scene in elementary school

Latinos start partying when they’re still in diapers. No joke. At some parties, I swear I was on babysitting duty while the parents lived it up in the other room. ¡Viva la fiesta! We went to a lot of salsa parties growing up. My mom had her circle of BLFL’s (Best Latinas For Life) and each one would take turns hosting pot luck fiestas at their house. The only annoying thing was that when I wanted to leave, it was always another 2 hours of goodbyes before we finally made it out the door.

4. My friends loved coming over for “exotic” meals

What seemed like regular food to me, was a mind-blowing experience for my friends. Lomo saltado? Aji de gallina? Salchipapas? And of course, chicken and rice were major staples in each meal too. I miss my mom’s home cooking so much! These “trendy” and “modern” Peruvian restaurants that are popping up everywhere are so far from authentic that it’s criminal. Although, criminally delicious. But $40 for an alpaca burger?! Peruvians would be outraged.

5. Pisco Sours are more valuable than agua

I can’t remember a single family gathering where the Pisco hasn’t been brought out. Not that I’m complaining, I love a Pisco Sour. On one trip to Lima when I was 18, not only was I knocking them back like agua but my 90+ year old Abuela was too. Peruvians never stop. Salud.

6. Vicks Vapor Rub’s healing powers were up there with God’s

To this day I can’t stand Vicks. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t. But whatever the case, that scent is permanently engrained in my mind. Whatever illness or symptom you had, Vick’s was always the answer.

7. Weekend chores were a very real thing

Before I could do anything with friends, go on the computer, or go out, you better believe that my chores had to be done and they had to be done right. At the time I thought it was the worst. However, I recently read an article about how people who were made to do chores as kids grow up to be more successful adults. Gracias, Madre.

8. Latin music was always blasting at full volume

There wasn’t a single Sunday afternoon in my house when merengue wasn’t blasting from our living room speakers. Even though sometimes I wished we could just listen to Britney Spears, I grew to love a sassy Spanish beat. And then once Shakira came on the scene, my love for Hispanic rhythms was undeniable.

9. Hispanics are always there when you call, but never on time

There is something known as Hispanic Time that is realer than real. They will always show up at least 20 minutes to 2 hours after you planned. Always. It used to stress me out when we’d just be going out to the car at the time we were already supposed to be somewhere. Blame that on my internal Caucasian clock.

At the end of the day, I love being half Peruvian and I’m so glad I was exposed to the culture from a young age. Next on my bucket list: Machu Picchu. ¡Viva Peru! Ciao amigos.

—ᴍᴍᴍ